I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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