i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
