I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
