i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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