I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
