I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i think we sleep fucked last night...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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