New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
