Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
