On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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