Jerry, you need to find god
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
