if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
