1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
