Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
