God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
