My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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