***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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