I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
