Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
