Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
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He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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