3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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