actually, I'm a sock model
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
