and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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