a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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