i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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