she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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