new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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