Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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