New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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