I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
