I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
