bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
