Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
