Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
