I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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