I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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