who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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