I'm pants shitting drunk right now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
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You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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