ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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