so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
