I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
