Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
