i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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