I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
