To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
