Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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