Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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