so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
