The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
