I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
