I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
