You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
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You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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