We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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