Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
