dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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