can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
