I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
