it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
