he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
