Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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