They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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