The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
